I’ll explain. After barely graduating high school, I took a year off from education out of frustration and the belief that I was genuinely not smart. My passion for visual storytelling, humanity, and change inspired me to enroll in college in pursuit of a B.S. of Video Production with a concentration in Journalism and Media.
I was so excited to have a purpose in life other than kissing ass while working my customer service job. However, I was very nervous because I hadn’t gotten good grades since like the 3rd grade—my fears and limiting beliefs turned into a reality. I spent my first two semesters in a different dimension in my head while my 100-level professors delivered their lectures.
No matter what, I could not focus and COULD NOT STOP DOODLING. As a veteran student and rookie adult, my executive disfunction made me miserable….. but I’ve always been this way…. I’ve always been this way??????? (SUPRISE! ITS ADHD.)
At the age of twenty-one, I had to re-introduce myself to myself when I learned about my nero-divergence. I’ve had to unlearn a lot of bad habits and equip myself with new tools to live a productive and structured lifestyle effectively.
Breaking my doodling habit was no easy feat. Now that I was medicated, I would sit in class, trapped in my head, hands frozen still, stewing on whatever was going on in my head that day instead of the lesson being shared. I could not do anything outside of class because my thoughts and emotions were taking up my mental real estate.
As I re-visited my notes from my unmedicated semesters, I noticed what each of my shitty doodles had in common. They were expressive. If you were to crack open my skull at any moment, these doodles are the closest to what is happening there. I’ve always been an artist through music, photography, film, and dance; however, I have never leaned into the medium of drawing or painting because it was never a natural skill.
Now, I continue to doodle with the understanding of my itch for expression in the context of learning. I’ve upgraded from a college-ruled notebook to notecards and an entire designated sketchbook, which has proven remarkable for my focus, organization, and GPA. The most important takeaway from this experience has been that the purpose of art is not skill or beauty but expression. By allowing myself to express myself through these silly doodles, I have exercised my creative muscles more often than ever. This, in turn, has made creativity and expression feel much more natural through the mediums in which I have specialized.
I will no longer be silent.